Relationship Issues

Relationship issues include power struggles, lifestyle differences, financial disagreements, problems with in-laws, parenting discrepancies, sexual dissatisfaction, lack of emotional support, and many others concerns.

Most relationships, whether marital relationships, parent-child relationships or friendships, have conflict. One of the purposes of a relationship is the personal evolution of each party involved. What that translates to is the following:

We all have values and principles that influence our decision-making processes. The hierarchy of these values influences how we relate to people and the world.  Most of us tend to think of these values as “the right ones”.  A problem arises when the “right” values differ from person to person. For example, one person might think that spending quality time with family is most important, and will puts family ahead of their work and social life. Another person’s priority might be hard work and providing financially, so they reduce their family time in favour of work. The truth is, our values are only opinions and beliefs formulated throughout our life’s experiences. Frequently, they are at odds with another person’s beliefs. When such clash of opinions is present how do we decides whose point of view is right? Each party tends to defend their opinions, especially when such beliefs form attachments. Now you can see how the power struggle forms.

 

Most people find their way out of such conflicts in two ways:

1. Resolving disagreement by compromise – a mutual acceptance of standards lower than desirable. In other words, we put another person’s values ahead of our own in attempt to avoid the conflict, suppressing our values in favor of perceived peace. But is it a true harmony when you sell out of your values for the sake of peace?
   The result is often low grade resentment that expands into full-blown resentment over time. Since that kind of resentment is a sum total of seemingly insignificant things, we may blame ourselves for it. In other instances, we rationalize the resentment by finding blame in the other person. Additional consequences for one or both people can include depression, anxiety, anger issues, and loss of authenticity, confidence, creativity and meaning in life. In other words, compromise is an illusion and it is a short-term solution that acts as a Band Aid.
2. An attempt to prove and defend our viewpoint, fighting to sustain it. In other words, engaging in a power struggle. The truth is that there are no winners in such power struggles – the winner turns the other person into a loser. Winner-Loser relationships lack trust, intimacy, good will, positive regard and harmony.

 

So, how do we resolve the conflict if standing up for ourselves creates power struggles and compromise creates resentment and other issues mentioned above?

• nurturing connection with your spouse;
• building trust;
• developing communication skills;
• reflect on our beliefs system, evaluating its benefits and disadvantages;
• taking responsibility for our actions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings;
• recognizing our wounds, defences and fears,
• learning emotion management
• establishing healthy boundaries;
• expanding capacity for change and growth

 

There is no progress without conflict. Your spouse or partner, whose values are different from yours, propels you to look at yourself and your relationship. Conflict avoidance is futile. Instead, invest your time and effort in building healthy and balanced relationship with your Self and subsequently with your loved ones.